he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
