I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
