Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
