we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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