I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
