Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
