i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
