when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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