Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
