my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
