If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
