i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
