well I can't set my house on fire every night
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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