Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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