So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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