I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
