i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
