I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
