By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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