I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
