You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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