I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
