so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
