Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
