I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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