I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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