how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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