How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
