OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
