the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
