Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I wear drunk well.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
