Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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