And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
