i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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