Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Houston, we have a squirter
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My vagina just clenched in fear
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
