Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
