JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
