My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
