Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
