oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
