So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
