I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I stole a fireplace last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
