Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
