please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
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