i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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