if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
