It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
