I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
