R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The uberlube is also flammable
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
