I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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